Many of us have heard some version of the Zen koan dealing with what constitutes good or bad news. That has been a delight and a stronghold for me. To me, news is news – the good and the bad, you must sort – and you will.
So, the news. Since September, when I took the first of two serious falls, I have had trouble with my legs – extremely painful and limited in walking. Normally, I have pain in my left leg and some trouble walking due to post-herpetic neuralgia of the L5-S1 nerve roots. In March, I fell and broke my right leg. It healed well. When it healed, they wanted to take another look at my spine (I’ve also had two spinal surgeries – for a different problem), to make sure my fusion, and no other structures, had been damaged. Then, we would form a plan as to how to deal with this increased pain and limitation. It is good to know, no damage to structure. It is a challenge to know that this is the result of the virus attacking another nerve root – this is now L4. And, nothing can reverse this, at this time.
Among the choices, I have chosen to accept using a wheelchair at this time. This way, I can still go on ‘walks’ and ‘hikes’ and camp-outs and all the things I love to do, without worrying about keeping up, and it’s such a good feeling to get out and not be isolated. That’s the killer – the isolation. I’m opting for a wheelchair, crutches and a scooter. I am thankful that my insurance will help with some of this. I am also thankful for incredibly gifted and compassionate healthcare workers and for those friends who stuck with me. I know they have busy lives with challenges of all kinds of their own. The visits, the calls, and the concern, keep you going – we all know that. Not being excluded because you aren’t ‘the same’ anymore, keeps hope alive.
And in respect for honesty, that has happened to me and I’m being honest with myself about the grief and hurt it did cause and getting past it to the wonderful things that await. It hurts to be rejected. It hurts to find out those you thought friends, were otherwise. Tell the truth, grieve it and realize what’s right in front of you.
I will have stronger arms, good thing – my orthopod once called me “Olive Oyl” lol! I can’t be anything but happy. It’s a door opening, a way around, a new chapter. Zen koan: Good or bad news? Honey, it’s always going to be what you make it.
Again, thank you so much for all those who continue to visit though my posting is very erratic. I enjoy your posts, your words and wisdom, as well – so keep up with that. May you be present in every moment, may your challenges open to you new ways, new friends – new life. Be there for each other. Community can be present where you are. Lilie
MOON IS MOON
Moon
is
moon
in the not yet blackened
southeastern
clouded sky
this night breeze
faintly moves
branches
illumined by
porch light
near midnight
coffee cup
in two hands
as darkness
brings
hot day’s relief
all this
moving and still
moon
is
moon
in night’s
same place
the one before
and before
breathing in
coffee’s pleasant vapor
and
thoughts of kindnesses known
breathe out
kindness
to all those names
known and not
may there always be kindness
raindrops spatter
one by one
their sound gathering
more density
in the plip-plop patter
on aluminum awning
knitting and book
tucked beneath arm
coffee cup in hand
heading for dry house
pull back the curtain
turn
for one more look
for all this
moving and still
moon
is
moon
who
am
I?
SANTA CLAUS, OR BROTHER’S KEEPER?
I’ve been thinking about this, and thinking about this; well, I have to weigh in. I’ll tell it through my own experience, you’ll get the gist.
Many, many years ago, I was a supervisor in a medical support position at a mental health care facility. The facility had a locked ward. I was one of very few support staff who had to make trips to the locked ward. We had a protocol. Normally, I followed it carefully. I believed I was following it carefully this day. I approached the first door, waited and was ‘buzzed’ into an anteroom. We were supposed to wait for a few seconds, then the second door would open. I would look both ways, toward patient rooms, and toward the dayroom, then cross when no one was in that short hallway. This day, I believed I was being careful. But, I crossed the hallway and someone was behind me, surprising both of us. The man grabbed me, from behind, around my neck and above my waist, he had me about two or three inches off the ground. I was immediately afraid, and then kind of pissed off.
I looked toward the entry to the nurse’s station and there stood a young resident. He moved into the doorway and began talking to the man who had hold of me. He spoke in a neutral voice. Something about this young resident’s expression hit me with more impact than being yanked off my feet. I suddenly felt terribly sad. Yes, this man could hurt me, that’s very true, and that didn’t leave my mind. But, I knew he did not mean to. As the resident spoke to him, I could feel his fear and confusion. He was afraid of me. I had surprised him every bit as much as he surprised me. He was not seeing me, but some delusion which was, at that moment, his reality. I was inside that delusion and he was afraid of me. He was talked into releasing me, and he did so without harming me. I felt sickened at heart, and terribly sad. I knew, the reality hit me – no going back. I knew where I was and what I was witnessing, it changed my entire way of thinking. This man with promise, hopes, family and friends was betrayed by the very organ we believe defines us, presents our identity to the outside world – his brain. I could not imagine what that would be like. To be one kind of person, to think of and see yourself as one kind of person, and become and do things that are not within your experience of yourself.
In the following couple of weeks, an incident report had to be filed. I was questioned, interviewed, etc. So was the man. He didn’t really understand what he had done, he knew it was something that he was ashamed of. He didn’t want to look at me. I just felt sick about the whole thing. No, he shouldn’t have attempted to harm me, but that isn’t what he was attempting to do; however, that’s what his action could have resulted in. He shouldn’t have been in that position. And, he was going to be put out on the street. What then? Didn’t anyone ask that? No. Because it was about cutting funding for mental health services. That’s just a luxury item, right? We don’t want to pay for that for crazy folk, do we?
Unless you are the one experiencing a psychotic break and/or schizophrenia, I don’t think you can explain it to anyone – I don’t think mental health care providers can. It’s a terrible and devastating illness, creating destruction all across its path. There is more hope now for people, but it really depends on a great support system, and money, money, money for care, much care. That’s not the story for most.
So if you want to demonize, vilify, there it is, you certainly can. But, if you are interested in the truth, if you believe the truth brings healing and opportunity to educate and prevent, you’ll have to look a little deeper, past the easiest reaction, past the seduction of the media and their agenda to keep a story alive no matter how skewed or misrepresented, no matter that it engenders fear, suspicion and hatred. There is enough pain here to go around. All have suffered.
Unless we look at this situation for the truth it offers, and begin there, it is going to continue to happen. We need to know what our state laws are regarding mental health issues and the reporting thereof. We need to know how to enhance those laws for the protection of all. Mental health is not a luxury item. And, ‘no’ Virginia there is no Santa Claus, but ‘yes’ we are our brother’s keeper – help comes when we acknowledge and provide it – even if a person can only look at it from the point of their own self-interest.
By no means is it my intention to make less of the suffering of all the victims and their families. My heart is sick for all concerned.
Thank you for stopping by. Lilie
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Yesterday, I checked email, looked at facebook, got caught up on internet stuff, and I looked at a political comment made on a site, I won’t mention which one. It started out ok. Then, of course, it turned into personal attacks. I was just about to start tapping in a comment, and caught myself. Hmm. What’s this about? We don’t know these candidates. If you met them, you don’t know them – you just met them PERIOD. So, why the personal remarks? You may have an impression of someone, but that’s not knowing them.
It made me think, again. What in this speaks to me? Well, it’s about that ‘person I want to be’ thing. What do I want out of a president, a leader? Honor, courage, wisdom, patience, compassion. And, on my part, the recognition that a person can possess those qualities, and they are still human – still have frailties, faults and are subject to making mistakes. Also my responsibility: pay attention to the best of my ability, research and understand issues important to self and others, and choose the one I feel best qualifies to address those concerns. I don’t need to argue, or force my opinion, I have the right to read, listen and vote – those will do. Things that I am passionate about, I can give money or time; I can volunteer; I can be creative in my ways of expressing support. And, still I don’t have to call anyone names, degrade or abuse anyone’s reputation – I will make a difference and pass on something better. What affects one area of your life, encroaches on others.
As always, thanks for stopping by. May your needs be met, may you be the one who meets another’s need. Lilie
A LITTLE RAMBLING
We have certainly had news at our house this week. I’ll bet there are others who have also had their challenges.
My husband is doing well. It is nice to be able to talk openly about his MS now. It is good for him, as well. The heat is very hard on him and, as a carpenter, that wasn’t going to make it anymore. So, he’s looking forward. My husband has always been quite an inspiration to me. He doesn’t think negatively. It isn’t that he thinks positively (and here I’m laughing a bit). Skip just doesn’t think negatively. His positivity isn’t a reorientation of his thinking, it is the way he has always looked at life.
In 30 years, we have had joys and sorrows. Skip seems to look at all the same way – with hope. It’s what is of the moment; and he knows that moment changes. He’s been a person courageous and willing to change, willing to adapt. A hard worker and appreciative of his woodworking skill, he has used that well.
I believe the most important thing I have learned (and continue learning) from Skip is forgiveness. Again, not a reorientation of his thinking; it wouldn’t occur to him to hang onto something about someone. A well-grounded understanding of human nature, and not much ruffles feathers. I had to learn that, practice it.
‘Lightening up’ in our thinking, being that mindful observer – taking a step back, assessing before making the decision how, or if, to act, that’s what makes the difference. The old adage, “sleep on it”, very good advice when possible. Thinking, contemplating, patience. Taking oneself out of that reactive, defensive posture, so that you may see clearly your opportunities and choices, and not be so invested in what someone else has done or said, but in the person you have decided (daily) to be. Then, your thoughts and actions become habitually directed toward that goal. This is what I see in my husband. The ability to maintain his center, and from that forgiveness just follows.
Each day I’m thinking of those who thoughtfully visit, and hoping that your needs are met, that your present moments are those of hope. Thank you for stopping by. Lilie
WHEN IT’S TIME TO GO
Today, my husband retired. He’s a few years short of retirement, but he has MS. I haven’t been able to tell anyone outside of family and some very close friends because he would have lost his job. He is in good health, has been on MS meds now for about five years, (has been diagnosed for 20) but he worked in construction and doesn’t need to be doing that any longer. So, it’s a time of transition at our house. Fortunately, we have each other and some good tools we’ve both learned.
It’s a time of excitement; it’s scary and there is some sadness. We think of all others in similar situations and we send our intentions for all to have their needs met. And, it is our intention that we may always be ready to meet the needs of others in whatever way we can.
We are very grateful for all we have: friendship, love and support – particularly.
May you be well. Thanks for stopping by. Lilie
ALL THE STITCHES LINE UP
Again, thank you to those folks who hang in there with me. The heat has definitely affected me this year, I bet many of you can say the same. I have to blog when I can and take time out from the blogosphere to regain momentum.
While resting this time, I worked on a shawl that I had been knitting. I came to a place where the stitches were no longer correct. I worked the pattern, over and over. Then, I remembered that definition of insanity: You know, the “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result”, well, that was me. But, sometimes we do need to review. We need to go over the steps, see where the pattern is. Finally, I had to disregard the pattern and just look at what the stitches were intended to accomplish. I followed that, built my own pattern and it came out correctly, voila shawl done!
We have to follow a path, review, pay close attention to where the patterns are, and what we expect to find in them. In this instance, I wanted a shawl that had a certain type of stitching. I got that, but I had to re-think, reorganize and examine. I decided what was important about the project and how best to arrive at the desired result. I had to stop trusting the written instructions and work on experience and intuition.
I think living with chronic pain is like that, as well. We need wise counsel, information and education to form a plan. And, we need to learn when to make adjustments, what to keep and what to discard. It’s a process, doesn’t stay the same for long. It’s been an ongoing lesson in learning how to trust myself. Learning how to trust myself – even when I’m wrong. Yes, even when I’m wrong – that I will see I’ve been wrong; be willing to admit I’m wrong (regardless of ego-attachment involved), and that I will regain a path toward positive result. It’s easy to trust ourselves when the instructions are clear and correct. It isn’t as easy, when the instructions don’t give the result expected and we must find our own way through. Trusting ourselves in difficulty, that’s the challenge. That’s the one I’m presenting to you. What will you do when your plan goes off course? Fight it, or find it? Here’s that choice thing again. You can trust yourself in uncertainty just as you can when all the stitches line up. You have to choose to find it.
I hope you’re taking care, staying as cool as you can. Thanks for stopping by. Lilie
