We all have a story to tell, and they are worth telling, IF only one person listens, and learns.
I never thought I would tell mine. I was good at keeping secrets. But, maybe, just maybe, one person will hear, and it will change the course of his/her life.
I got my life kicked – hard. And, I fell. Doesn’t matter how, who or why. What does matter is why was I available for that? What in me allowed it; didn’t see it; wasn’t consciously present in my life? Those were the questions I asked myself. Those were the questions that saved me. I didn’t blame myself. No. I did examine my character and the course of my life, because I was the person I could change. I wanted to be the person I knew I was inside.
I created a second chance for myself. I think everybody deserves a second chance, and maybe they get it on the fourth or fifth try. My first course of action was to separate myself from those with whom I had associated, and I sought out a very wise and compassionate counselor. That was my safety zone, from which I plotted my course. I had many influences throughout my life who practiced mental discipline, and some did this by meditation. I studied everything I could find; took every course offered by every religion, organization, university, individual, etc. But I was no joiner anymore, not to or for anything. I took religious studies, sociology, psychology, medical studies, and so on, building and learning what most people come into life with naturally, through their families. I have to say here, my dad was a great source of wisdom, but it was just not available to me then, didn’t mean I couldn’t find it now.
I stepped out of the cocoon and tried new things, slowly but surely. Got myself a yoga teacher’s certificate, meditation certificates, pain management certificates, and so on. I began to take writing courses, and turned to writing poetry, a love from childhood, and now I took myself seriously. I began attending writing groups. And, I published two books of poetry. I didn’t look back. I just kept going. I had begun to have medical issues. I had to accept the loss of my working life, and tried to ‘work’ and contribute in other ways. Again, I didn’t look back. When the stories played in my head, I acknowledged them honestly but did not entertain them, didn’t ruminate on them. I realized I was in control of my thought life, all the time. With practice, that became stronger and stronger.
I felt like Ghandi’s famous quote, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” And yet, I had begun to have friends who were Christian, I mean that in the sense of acting like Jesus, really acting like Jesus. So, I am watching and waiting. Don’t know that I will ever join any group again. Still feel like I need to know where the exit is. I don’t like ‘group think’. I try not to lump people together with groups, see them as they truly are in their own lives, but when it’s ‘group think’ or ‘group speak’, I keep my distance.
The most important lesson I learned; You must regard you. You must think well of you. You must have a plan for your life, and believe in it. You must hold it dear, and not give up on it for other persons. It is one thing to help someone else, and I strongly believe in that. But, DO NOT GIVE UP your goals, your life, your plans for another. It won’t help them, and it most certainly will not result in anything positive for you. And, YOU is what you have. The least selfish, most giving people I know, regard themselves; have strong self-respect, and are accomplished in their life goals, and continue to have and set goals for themselves. You can’t be free to extend anything until you know yourself.
Whatever situation you are in, it is not hopeless. You are still there, still present inside – listen to that. Become present, awake, aware, conscious in your life. Reach out. Take one step at a time, but take a step. I did it, and I got to take someone with me. Someone who turned out to be a most incredible person, and love. He just made that same decision: To find, and be his true self. I did hurt people I loved, and I can’t change my indecisions and weakness of the past, but who I am now is what counts. I stand up for my mistakes, and take the consequences. I repair where I can. You are worth it, too, come on – it’s your chance, now!
With love and regard to you. Lilie – Thank you for stopping by.